Grab a tissue before you start reading...........

Because I've just got to tell you about condoms. I hate buying those things in the store. You know how it is- I know you've done it too. You are walking down the aisles in the store first just trying to spot out where the store has them hidden. You don't want to look too obvious so you pretend to be shopping for......uhhh........toothpaste. OH! there they are! Just keep walking, you say to yourself......keep walking. Well now that you know where they are you keep a look out for people who might be watching you. You casually walk down "the aisle". There they are. OF COURSE!!! They would have to have 100 different choices....colors, sizes, ribbed or not ribbed and also of course they are tucked in with all the other "sex things" which completely takes you by surprise as you are trying to decide what in the world this or that would be for. Tempting, but lets just get the condoms and get out of here. Oh crud! Somebody is coming down the aisle. Quick! Pretend that you are checking out the pregnancy tests so as not to be noticed shopping for condoms! Alright- it's clear. Back to shopping. Just grab the first box and run, you say to yourself! Yeah- I know you know what I am talking about. That's why I buy condoms through Ebay! Yes, they do come in bulk so I have a million of them but the deal I got! All in the privacy of my own office. It's definately the way to go.

So I've got a bulk size box of condoms which really doesn't make much sense coming from a girl who has struggled with infertility. I've always been TRYING to get pregnant not avoiding it. Getting pregnant for me hasn't been the problem though, it's been keeping the pregnancy. Oh we're getting off track. So to tell you the truth, I don't even know where the bulk box of condoms are..................................but Caleb does!

One morning, a couple of years ago, when my visiting teachers were coming to visit, I'm late, not paying attention to what Caleb is up to and the door bell rings. I hurry down the stairs to the landing to find Caleb in a pile of condoms all unwrapped and one in his mouth. He's blowing up a "balloon". Oh stink!!! My visiting teachers are at the door and Caleb is blowing up "balloons". I've got to get it cleaned up FAST! So I just take them all away and throw them upstairs over the stair railing then answer the door and let the visiting teachers in. They, of course, have brought their younger kids. Caleb immediately invites them upstairs to his room to play. Not thinking anything of it I let them all go upstairs. After visiting for a few minutes with my visiting teachers I hear Caleb upstairs talking with the other kids. "Hey, do you want a balloon?" he says!!! OH MY GOSH! I threw all those condoms upstairs and now ALL the kids are playing with them. I made up some lame excuse for me needing to go upstairs for a moment. All the kids have "balloons" and I have to be the bad guy before they start to head downstairs and show their mommy's the fun "balloons" that Caleb gave them. I quickly yank away all the balloons as quietly as I can and throw them in my bedroom and lock the door. Whew! Mom's never knew.

But we're not done yet. One day, Sunday as a matter of a fact, we took the family to church. Early because I like to be there a little early. I don't like sitting in the back or the front. We are more front and center. We all get our seats, Tyler and Caleb sitting next to each other and they have been giggling with each other. I told them a few times to be reverent.....to no avail. Naughty boys, I think to myself. But I divert my frustration elsewhere and try to feel the Spirit. I sit quietly, listening to the beautiful music and watch as everybody files in and takes their seats. It's time to start. Bishop stands up to start Sacrament meeting. Ahhhh. This feels nice. I look over at my beautiful family and to my horrification (new word), Tyler has an unwrapped condom in one hand and one wrapped condom in the other. They would have to be the multi-colored ones too. OH MY GOSH!!! Quick! Grab it, I think to myself and just as I reached over to take it from Tyler my eye catches Caleb. HE HAS A CONDOM ALMOST ALL BLOWN UP!!! You can just see the obvious tip at the end that screams "condom". All I can think is that if I reach over and grab it away and I miss, it will empty air like a balloon and soar everywhere and I will have to go chase down a condom before any of my ward members catch on to what it really is! All in slow motion I could see myself jumping over and underneath the pew to retrieve the condom. This isn't going to be pretty. So I grab some self control because as you can imagine I am ready to rip that kid to pieces! I calmly tell Caleb to stop blowing the "balloon" and hand it over. Just as though he was holding a loaded gun. Nice and softly, "ok Caleb....just take the balloon down, pinch it closed and hand it to me, nice and easy". IT DIDN'T WORK!! On to something more "NOW". I reached past 4 kids (I think it probably looked like some football player reaching for the ball)and as fast as I could I grabbed the condom, making sure not to let it go lest the air would send it all over the place. I got it. Whew, another close call. I sink into my seat. No don't lift your head. Don't move. Maybe nobody will notice you. Maybe nobody noticed Caleb blowing up condoms in Sacrament meeting. Oh man, how fast can I get out of here! Pure HUMILIATION!!!

Still don't know where the box of condoms are. I occasionally find condoms here and there- around the house. I think Caleb has a stash somewhere. He's keeping it a secret.

Now you all know! The stories with Caleb are never ending. That's another posting. Maybe next week.